


Bakes to Die For

by Longpig



Category: The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, but only slightly - Freeform, more of a dark grey really, slightly black comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 01:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17050883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longpig/pseuds/Longpig
Summary: While digitizing the BBC archives, an intern who asked to remain anonymous discovered a transcript of a lost episode of the Great British Bake Off. The paper could neither be photocopied nor scanned as all the copies came out blank; and the actual footage was never found.





	Bakes to Die For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kaydeefalls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaydeefalls/gifts).



EXT. — THE BAKE OFF TENT

An endless dark void stretches out in all directions around the tent. In front of the tent we see Mel and Sue. A limbo game has been set up, and Sue is attempting to shimmy underneath the stick.

 

**SUE**

(rhythmically) How low can you go? How low can you go?

 

Mel appears bemused and perhaps concerned.

 

**MEL**

Are you—are you quite alright?

 

Sue collapses to her knees after passing under the limbo stick and looks up.

 

**SUE**

Yes! I’m just getting ready for today! We’re supposed to be doing the limbo!

 

**MEL**

Ah. I see. Actually… We’re not _doing_ the limbo. We’re _in_ Limbo. As in the void between life and death. The End of Time And Space, you know, all of that.

 

**SUE**

Oh.

 

**MEL**

Yes.

 

**SUE**

I see. So you’re saying I’ve put my back out for nothing.

 

**MEL**

I’m afraid so.

 

**SUE**

(sighs) Well, on the bright side, at least there’ll be cake!

 

Both look up and into the camera.

 

**MEL & SUE**

Welcome...to the Great British Bake Off!

 

Cheerful violins play as the camera pulls back into a wide shot of Mel & Sue in front of the tent, dwarfed by the infinite void. We cut to a shot panning the inside of the tent, the benches standing neat and ready for the bakers to arrive.

 

 **MEL** (Voiceover)

Last week on the Great British Bake Off… is irrelevant, since time is a flat circle and we are currently in the space in between universes, which is even harder to reach than Aberystwyth by train on a Sunday!

 

We cut back to the exterior of the tent. Two figures approach: one an elderly woman, the other the actual personification of death, the Grim Reaper.

 

 **MEL** (V.O.)

Today in the tent, we have just two bakers, but it’s a contest for the ages.

 

Close on the woman, who is wearing a bright blue dress in a conservative style. Her steel grey hair is gathered back in a bun. Her dark skin is deeply wrinkled but her eyes are bright and alert behind her thick, 1980s Sophia Loren style glasses. A CHYRON reads: Bettina, Stroud.

 

**BETTINA**

(laughing) I guess you could say that being on the Bake Off has been a lifetime ambition. Well, this wasn’t what I had planned for Christmas Eve but here I am!

 

We see a montage of mince pies, yule logs, and gingerbread houses.

 

 **MEL** (V.O)

And what better way to decide the very fate of an immortal soul than by getting into the spirit of things with classic British holiday bakes.

 

A close up on the visage of Death. The camera cannot quite focus on the skeletal face, or maybe it’s our own eyes. Instead we can only take in the space around it; the shadows in the depths of the hood that frame the incomprehensible. A CHYRON reads The Grim Reaper, The Infinite Void; but it’s hardly necessary.

 

**DEATH**

I have to say this is a first for me. (the voice is unsettling: many and one) Usually when someone challenges me, it’s chess, or some kind of musical instrument. And of course involving souls of non-departed individuals is typically a big no-no. But what the hey, it’s Christmas! (shrugs)

 

We shift to a wide shot of the inside of the tent. The contestants tie on their aprons and face the front, where the judges and the presenters stand in a line.

 

**SUE**

Hello and welcome to our otherworldly bakers! I have the pleasure of announcing your very first signature challenge. As we are in the heart of the festive season, the judges would like to see you fight for your continued existence by baking six identical mince pies.

 

**MEL**

You can make any crust you like, but your filling must be made from scratch. You will have two hours to produce these festive fruity fabrications, whatever that means when one exists outside the fabric of linear time.

 

**SUE**

Without further ado… On your marks,

 

**MEL**

Get set,

 

 **SUE**  
MINCE!

 

The two bakers begin grabbing bowls and ingredients, and setting up their workspaces. We shift to a close shot of Paul Hollywood. He smiles smugly, enigmatically.

 

**PAUL**

Mince pies are one of my favourite holiday bakes, so I’m really excited to see what the bakers deliver. I’m looking for a delicious filling, perfectly spiced, with the fruit evenly chopped; not too dry or too wet. And of course, a perfect pastry crust.

 

Close up on Mary Berry.

 

**MARY**

One of the challenges here will be time management. They’ve got to get their pastry well chilled, and they’ve got to get their fillings prepared and cooked with enough time to cool before baking; or the hot fruit will melt the butter in the pastry and we’ll end up with a soggy bottom.

 

We return to the tent interior where both bakers are measuring and chopping up fruit, nuts, and other filling ingredients.

 

 **SUE** (V.O)

Today both contestants have opted to prepare their fillings ahead of the crust. And it seems that one of our bakers has opted for a very traditional recipe.

 

Mel, Sue, Paul and Mary approach the bench where Death is working. They are finely chopping some sort of red meat.

 

**PAUL**

I see you’re going with an actual mincemeat filling. Interesting.

 

**DEATH**

Yes, that’s right. Maybe I’m old fashioned but it’s what I like. Also, decaying mortal flesh is kind of my thing.

 

**MEL**

Mmm, yummy.

 

**PAUL**

It’s fallen a bit out of favour but it really can make for a very nice, rich pie.

 

**MARY**

And what kind of meat is this that you’re using?

 

**DEATH**

Venison.

 

Cut to an illustration of a covered mince pie, cut in half to reveal the diced fruit and meat filling. The words ‘Death’s Venison Mince Pies’ appear.

 

 **MEL** (V.O.)

The Grim Reaper will be using venison and beef suet to bring richness to their blend of chopped candied peel, seeded raisins, sultanas, apples, almonds and currants. The filling will be spiced with clove, allspice, cinnamon, ginger and mace, and finished with a splash of brandy, then wrapped in a flaky pastry crust.

 

Cut back to the group inside the tent.

**MARY**

Venison can sometimes be a bit gamey.

 

 **DEATH**  
I find that plays well with the spices.

 

**PAUL**

(smiling enigmatically again)I’m looking forward to trying these. Good luck, mate.

 

The group moves away from the bench and approaches Bettina’s station where she is measuring apple cider into a jug. Paul leans over as she pours it into a large pot containing her fruit mixture.

 

**SUE**

Bettina my lovely! Let’s not mince words, tell us what’s going into your pies.

 

**BETTINA**

(laughs) Well, I’ve got dark brown sugar, apples, cider, sultanas, currants, glacé cherries, candied peel, molasses, almonds, mixed spice… I think that’s all—oh, and some nice dark rum.

 

**MARY**

(smiling) Oh I like the sound of that.

 

**PAUL**

(tilts head) No suet? Aren’t you afraid that your filling might go a bit dry?

 

**BETTINA**

A lot of folks today aren’t too keen on the suet, you know. (laughs nervously) I’ve put extra apples in, and the molasses I find keeps everything moist enough.

 

**PAUL**

(smirking) We’ll see.

 

Bettina looks nervous but shakes her head as they move away. We cut to an illustration of a star-topped mince pie, which is then sliced to show a cross section of the filling. The caption that appears on the page reads ‘Bettina’s Starlight Mince Pies’.

 

 **SUE** (V.O.)

Bettina’s suet-free pies will feature a buttery shortcrust pastry, and her most fruit filling will be topped with a shortbread biscuit star.

 

The camera cuts to the interior of the tent once more, where the bakers are rolling out pastry and transferring it to their tins. Once the pie crusts are shaped they quickly bring them to the refrigerators along with their cooked fillings.

 

 **SUE** (V.O.)

Now it’s a game of pastry chicken, as the bakers will want to give their pastry and fillings as to chill as long as possible, while still leaving enough time to assemble and cook the pies. But one of our bakers has given herself more to worry about than just filling and pastry.

 

Bettina stands at her bench rolling out biscuit dough and cutting out small star shapes while Mel watches.

 

**MEL**

These are adorable!

 

 **BETTINA**  
I think they just make them extra special; it’s nice. And it gives me something to help kill the time!

 

**MEL**

Mm. Speaking of killing, what made you decide to challenge the Grim Reaper?

 

**BETTINA**

You know, I’m just not quite finished. I’ve, well, I’ve got so much left still to do on Earth. I haven’t seen season three of the Good Place.

 

**MEL**

(nodding) Oh, completely understandable then.

 

 **BETTINA**  
And I don’t think they have Netflix where I’d be going, if you catch my drift.

 

 **MEL**  
(shocked) Bettina! But you seem so nice.

 

**BETTINA**

I’m afraid I’ve been a bit of a tart in my life. A mince tart. (both laughing) No regrets!

 

We cut to a shot of Sue as she calls out the time.

 

**SUE**

Bakers you have forty minutes remaining! Forty minutes until the judges make mincemeat of your pies!

 

There is a flurry of activity as both contestants begin spooning filling into their tart shells. Death uses their skeletal fingers to make an attractive crimped edge around their covered pies, while Bettina carefully lays a shortbread star atop each of hers. We switch back and forth between views of each baker as they watch their ovens, their pies’ crusts turning golden and lovely within! The background music swells to a crescendo as the camera returns to Mel and Sue, standing at the front of the tent.

 

**SUE**

Five minutes left!

 

**MEL**

Five minutes until our teeth will be mincing your pies. Om nom nom nom nom! (both make exaggerated biting motions)

 

The music continues to grow in intensity as Death and Bettina scramble to take their pies out of the oven and remove them from the hot tins. Bettina struggles not to burn herself, but Death’s bony hands are unaffected by temperature as they arrange them on a festive platter. Bettina flaps her hands in the air trying to cool her fingers between taking out each one. She just manages to dust on a bit of icing sugar as Mel and Sue count down the last seconds of the challenge!

 

 **MEL & SUE** (in unison)

Five! Four! Three! Two! One!

 

**SUE**

That’s it bakers, time is up! Hands off the pastry and mince away from those pies!

 

Bettina raises her hands in the air and steps back. She tucks a stray bit of hair behind her ear and adjusts her glasses, looking down at her pies. Death glides away from the bench with an eerie fluidity. We cut to a close up on Bettina’s star-topped pies before the judging begins. Paul picks up one of the tarts and taps the bottom with a knife.

 

**PAUL**

Pastry’s well baked, look at that.

 

**MARY**

I can’t wait to get into it.

 

Paul cuts the pie in half, offering one piece to Mary while he bites into the other. There is a pregnant silence as both judges chew and consider the tart.

 

**MARY**

Mm. That filling is moist. And I can really taste the rum.

 

**BETTINA**

Is that good?

 

**MARY**

It is for me! It plays quite well with the molasses, and the spices you’ve chosen. Your biscuit on top is buttery and short, very nice. It’s a little soft where it’s sat on the filling, but that is quite normal. And the pastry is crisp. A very good effort.

 

Bettina sighs with relief.

 

**PAUL**

I was really concerned we’d have a dry filling (shakes head). I think it is the molasses that makes it. (he taps the bench with a fingertip, thinking) The only thing I would say is that the glacé cherries don’t do much for me. They’re just sweet; they’re a nothing fruit. I’d leave them out.

 

Bettina nods quickly, looking anxious again.

 

We now cut to a close up of Death’s mince pies, which are golden brown, double crusted with a sparking sprinkle of sugar across the tops. As we switch to a wider shot Mary leans over the tray for a closer look.

 

**MARY**

These are quite attractive as well. They’re homey, but not rough. They look very tempting and generous; you just know they’re going to be bursting with fruit.

 

**PAUL**

I like the crimping on the crust. What did you use for that?

 

**DEATH**

The withering touch of oblivion.

 

**PAUL**

Very nice.

 

He cuts into this tart as he did the first one, handing half to Mary, and both begin to eat.

 

**MARY**

Oh, that is rich.

 

**PAUL**

(smiling shaking his head) I haven’t had a mince pie with venison since my Nan was alive. And I have to say, these might even be better than hers. Where did you get this recipe?

 

**DEATH**

In my endless years of ferrying the departed, I have put together a bit of a collection.

 

**MARY**

It certainly seems like it must be a well curated one. The filling is delicious. The crust is well baked and flaky, and the sugar on top has just melted enough into the hot pastry to give it an extra crunch when you bite into it. This is sheer perfection.

 

**PAUL**

I’d shake your hand mate, but (he holds out his hand for a second as if contemplating it, then pulls it back and tucks his thumb into his pocket) I’m not sure that’d be a great idea for some reason.

 

 **DEATH**  
A wise decision. (all laugh)

 

Cheery violin music plays again as we see Death carrying their tray back to their own bench. Their tattered robe seems to flutter on an unseen breeze as they glide through the tent without seeming to take a step. We cut to a close up shot of the Bettina in the void outside the tent, after the challenge.

 

**BETTINA**

That went… alright? I think. Those darn cherries! (she laughs, and smoothes back her hair). I think it’s still quite a close contest, but I am a little nervous. I’m not ready for perdition!

 

We go to Death, leaning on their scythe outside the tent.

 

**DEATH**

I think it’s safe to say that I will soon be shepherding the soul of Bettina to the afterlife.

 

Cut back to the inside of the tent. The bakers are back at their benches, with a heap of ingredients hidden under gingham cloths, while the judges stand with Mel and Sue at the front.

 

 **MEL** (V.O.)

Having mastered the mince in a supernatural signature, the bakers now cross over to the technical challenge!

 

**SUE**

(claps hands together) Our technical challenge today has been chosen by the Queen of Cakes in the mortal realm AND the afterlife, Miss Mary Berry. (all laugh) Mary, any words of advice?

 

**MARY**

Pay attention to time, and don’t crack under pressure.

 

**SUE**

Ooh, ominous.

 

**MEL**

Even for the end of the world.

 

A close shot on Bettina shows her looking around nervously.

 

**SUE**

Right, now as always this challenge will be judged blind, so if you two could just pop off, maybe play a game of fetch with Cerberus, and we’ll call you back soon.

 

Mary and Paul leave the tent, chuckling.

 

**MEL**

Now that they’ve toddled away into the infinite, we can tell you that for your technical challenge, Mary would like you to make her chocolate Yule log, or Bûche de Noël.

 

**SUE**

You will have one hour until your bûche needs to be in our bouche… es. On your marks,

 

**MEL**

Get set,

 

**SUE**

BAKE!

 

We cut to a shot of Paul and Mary sitting in the Bake Off gazebo. It’s unclear where the gazebo is located, as the tent is not visible outside, only the formless dark of the void. On the table in front of them sits a perfect Yule Log, covered in chocolate ganache bark, dusted with icing sugar and garnished with a sprig of holly.

 

**PAUL**

So tell me why you’ve chosen the Yule Log for this challenge.

 

**MARY**

It’s the centerpiece of any Christmas lunch, a real holiday treat. And it may seem simple, but we’ve given them a very tight time limit for this one. I want to see attention to detail, despite that. Nobody likes a sloppy log.

 

**PAUL**

No indeed. So what are we looking for?

 

**MARY**

On the outside we’ve got a thick chocolate ganache. They’ll have to get it chilled down quite well to get it to hold its shape. Now inside (she takes a knife and cuts into the log) we have a tender chocolate sponge rolled with whipped cream. I want to see a good swirl when we cut in.

 

**PAUL**

(smiling with admiration). Look at that spiral.

 

**MARY**

And of course if they try to fill it while it’s too warm, all the cream will melt and we’ll have a sticky mess inside.

**PAUL**

Not good!

 

Mary cuts a slice for each of them. Paul takes a bite first, then sets down his fork.

 

**PAUL**

That is delicious.

 

**MARY**

Isn’t it though.

 

The camera returns us to the tent, and we see to Bettina lifting the cloth off her collection of ingredients and flipping over the recipe card.

 

**BETTINA**

One hour. One hour, that’s mad. And it just says ‘make a chocolate sponge.’ Well of course it does. Oh dear.

 

Meanwhile, Death has begun lining their pan and measuring out sponge ingredients. Mel and Sue approach the workstation.

 

**SUE**

So, have you ever made a Yule Log before, in your infinite existence?

 

**DEATH**

No, but I have seen a fair few. I once collected an entire family who’d gotten food poisoning at their Christmas lunch. They had a lovely one.

 

**MEL**

Well, hopefully that won’t happen today.

 

**DEATH**

At least it would be a short trip for all concerned. (Mel and Sue look at each other worriedly) That was a joke.

 

**SUE**

Right. Of course. Ha ha. (behind her hand, to Sue) Back away slowly now.

 

We cut back and forth between Bettina and Death as they put their sponges in the oven and begin heating cream and chocolate.

 

**MEL (V.O)**

The sponges will only need a short time in the oven. While they cook the bakers need to start their ganache so that it will be cool enough to pipe or shape. Too hot and it will simply slide off, leaving an unsightly, naked log.

 

The camera focuses on Death breaking bars of dark chocolate into small pieces with their fleshless hands, making a disturbing cracking sound. They then scrape the chocolate off their board into the hot cream.

 

**DEATH**

(muttering) ‘Make the ganache.’ These humans are as fiendish as the Malebranche.

 

Now we see the bakers taking their sponges out of the oven. Bettina covers her hot sponge with a piece of parchment and begins rolling it up.

 

**BETTINA**

(concentrating) You’ve got to roll it up while it’s hot and cool it that way, or it’ll break all over. That much I know!

 

 **MEL** (V.O.)

But it seems one baker is having a little technical difficulty.

 

The camera focuses on Death as they attempt to roll their cake. One of their skeletal fingers slices through the sponge, creating a large tear.

 

**DEATH**

Curses.

 

**SUE**

(looking on with concern) Oh no! What’s happened?

 

**DEATH**

It is difficult to judge how tightly to grip when one has neither flesh nor nerves.

 

**SUE**

That is a pickle. But they do say that ganache can cover many sins.

 

**DEATH**

That has not been my experience.

 

We go back to a wider shot of the bakers working at their benches, pouring cream into their mixing bowls and beginning to whip it.

 

**MEL**

(shouting) Twenty minutes, bakers, until Yule be Logging those bûches up to the gingham altar!

 

The violin music in the background grows louder once more as we approach the end of the challenge. We see Bettina piling ganache into a piping bag, and Death attempting to roll their cracked sponge around the whipped cream. The camera cuts back and forth between Bettina piping lines with a large star tip to create a bark effect, while Death is instead using an offset spatula. Both manage to get to the stage of dusting the icing sugar on their logs as the time ticks down.

 

**MEL**

Five… four… three… two… one! That’s it, get those sticky hands off your logs!

 

Bettina fumbles her sieve as she steps back; it falls to the ground, scattering icing sugar across the floor.

 

**BETTINA**

(off camera) Well let’s hope that’s not a sign.

 

**SUE**

Bakers, if Yule’d please, bring your Bûche de Noel up to the gingham altar, and place it behind your picture.

 

Each of them carefully brings their bake up to the table. There are two stools provided; Bettina sits on one but Death remains standing while the judges re-enter the tent and look over both logs.

 

**MARY**

I must say, from the outside, these both look pretty good.

 

**PAUL**

I’m impressed.

 

**MARY**

I’m looking forward to seeing what we’ve got inside. Let’s start with this one. (they move to Bettina’s Yule Log) This baker has used a star tip to make their bark effect, which I quite like. The ganache looks good and it’s holding its shape nicely.

 

**PAUL**

It’s a good looking log. A nice round shape. And they’ve got the icing sugar snow on there.

 

Paul slices the log in half and pulls it open to reveal a graceful spiral of cream.

 

**MARY**

Look at that. Just lovely. I can’t wait to taste it.

 

Paul cuts a slice and both take a bite.

 

**MARY**

That is a good sponge.

 

**PAUL**

Very tender, good flavour. The cream is nice, not too sweet.

 

**MARY**

It’s hard to find fault.

 

The camera cuts briefly to Bettina’s smiling face.

 

**PAUL**

Moving on to this one. (they step over to the other cake) What do you think of the bark here, Mary?

 

**MARY**

It’s not a bad effect. They’ve used a palette knife or spatula; but I think it could have been enhanced if they’d made a few lines with a fork as well.

 

**PAUL**

They have got the icing sugar on though, and it looks tidy. Let’s cut in.

 

Paul cuts the log open and examines it critically.

 

**PAUL**

Hm.

 

**MARY**

(leaning over) They’ve got a good spiral, but you can see where the sponge has torn. That’s a shame.

 

We cut to Death’s expressionless, incognizable visage, then back to Mary and Paul tasting the cake.

 

**MARY**

Mm. Another excellent effort.

 

**PAUL**

That is delicious. So moist and tender.

 

**MEL**

Oh Paul, I bet you say that to all the logs. (all laugh)

 

Mary and Paul briefly confer, then turn back to face the bakers.

 

**PAUL**

Right; as there’s only the two of you, I’ll make this short. Whose is this one?

 

He holds his hands out in front of himself, indicating the second Yule Log. Death raises their hand.

 

**PAUL**

Sorry mate, but she just edged you out. It’s a great Yule log, excellent flavour, texture, all of it. Just a shame about that crack; and could have done with a touch more detail on the decoration.

 

**MARY**

Which means that the winner is Bettina. (smiles) Truly a delight. I’d be happy to serve this at any holiday party.

 

Cut to the outside of the tent. Bettina is beaming, delighted by her win.

 

**BETTINA**

Oh I’m well pleased. If I make it through this I’ll be making a Yule Log every Christmas. Maybe more than one, even!

 

The camera returns to the Grim Reaper, also standing outside. They hold their scythe, rolling it back and forth in their grip.

 

**DEATH**

I think it’s still safe to say that I will soon be shepherding the soul of Bettina to the afterlife.

 

We shift again to the interior of the Bake Off gazebo. Mary and Paul sit on one side of the table. Mel and Sue on the other.

 

**MEL**

It’s quite an unusual contest we’ve got today.

 

**MARY**

Yes, quite unique.

 

**SUE**

What do you make of our extra-planar aspirants? Who has the edge?

 

**PAUL**

I think it’s really neck and neck. I would say that Death had the edge in the signature, but then of course Bettina pulled it out in the technical.

 

**MARY**

They’re both very skilled. It’s all going to come down to the showstopper. I’m expecting to be wowed. This is a contest to decide the fate of a human soul after all; the standard has got to be exceedingly high. (all nod)

 

**SUE**

I’m just wondering if anyone’s going to address the cyclopean elephant in this unearthly room.

 

**MARY**

What’s that?

 

**SUE**

Well, us. We weren’t dead! (gesturing wildly with her hands) Are we dead now? What’s happening to our bodies? Did I just keel over in Tescos trying to buy a pint of raspberry ripple?

 

**MEL**

And how much time is passing while we’re here? Will it be as though we’ve only blinked an eye, or will have days gone by when we return to the world of the living? _Will_ we return?

 

There is a long pause. Mary looks disturbed but thoughtful. Paul leans across the table towards the others.

 

**PAUL**

I think you’ve just got to go with it.

 

Cut to a panning shot of the outside of the tent, still suspended in the endless void.

 

 **SUE** (V.O.)

It’s a new day in the Bake Off tent. Well, maybe. It’s hard to say when time has no meaning. Either way, the bakers are now preparing for the showstopper challenge, which promises to be a spicy one…

 

Inside the tent once more, the bakers are at their benches. Mary and Paul are in their customary positions at the front, flanked by Mel and Sue.

 

**MEL**

Bakers, for your final, terminal, ultimate challenge; Mary and Paul would love for you to make a three dimensional gingerbread biscuit structure, in two and a half hours.

 

**SUE**

Your cookie constructions must be at least 30 centimetres in height and entirely edible.

 

**MEL**

You could say it’s a tall order.

 

**SUE**

Here’s hoping you measure up… On your marks,

 

**MEL**

Get set,

 

 **MEL & SUE** (together)

BAKE!

 

The camera cuts to a shot of Bettina’s workbench where she has begun measuring ingredients into her mixing bowl. The judges and presenters approach, and she looks up with a smile.

 

**BETTINA**

Hullo!

 

**MARY**

Bettina! Tell us about your gingerbread construction.

 

**BETTINA**

Well, I’m doing the Gherkin.

 

**PAUL**

(laughing) The Gherkin. Are you serious?

 

**BETTINA**

(also laughing) Like a heart attack! Which is how I got here, incidentally.

 

**MEL**

It’s got quite an … interesting shape.

 

**MARY**

It’s iconic.

 

**PAUL**

Unique.

 

**SUE**

I’m just going to come out and say it. It looks exactly like a great, big, shameless, suggestive… pickle.

 

**BETTINA**

My favourite. I love pickles. (she grins, wiggling her eyebrows)

 

**MARY**

(laughing) We’re learning a lot about you, dear!

 

Paul is now bent over, leaning on the bench, turning quite red while trying not to laugh out loud. We cut to an illustration of a simplified Gherkin building, captioned ‘Bettina’s Gingerbread Gherkin.’

 

 **MEL** (V.O.)

Bettina’s gingerbread structure will be a towering assemblage made from dozens of individual biscuits, each iced and then put together with royal icing to replicate the iconic building’s faceted appearance.

 

Cut back to the group around the bench. Everyone is still laughing, although Paul has recovered somewhat.

 

**MARY**

You’ve got quite a lot of work to do, so we’ll leave you to it. Good luck!

 

**SUE**

We hope you manage to get it up.

 

Paul snorts and fails to stifle another laugh as the group moves away. He is still a bit red when the shot changes to show them instead at the Grim Reaper’s station. They turn out some rich looking dough onto the floured surface and begin to roll it out.

 

**DEATH**

Greetings, mortals.

 

**MEL**

Mm, yes, that’s quite spooky.

 

**PAUL**

(braces himself against the tabletop) So, what have we got happening here?

 

**DEATH**

I will be making a replica of the Temple of the Great Dreamer.

 

**MARY**

(frowning slightly) I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that…

 

**DEATH**

No mortal has looked upon it in millenia.

 

**SUE**

Sounds like a hipster’s dream.

 

We cut one more time to the illustration page graphic. Script forms to spell out ‘Death’s Gingerbread Temple’, but instead of a picture there is only a question mark.

 

**MEL (V.O.)**

Death’s tribute to the Ancient One’s temple is unknowable to human eyes, and will be constructed with non-euclidian gingerbread geometry. It will be iced with lemon glaze for an extra pop of flavour.

 

We return to the tent’s interior. The judges and presenters look at each other uneasily for a moment.

 

**PAUL**

Well, can’t wait to taste it.

 

They all quickly shuffle away. As the background music swells we are treated to a montage of the contestants preparing their gingerbread pieces, although the camera never seems to quite catch the shape of what Death is working on.

 

 **MEL** (V.O.)

Things are definitely heating up in the tent as the bakers race toward the finish line.

 

Bettina is shown pulling out a tray of clearly overbaked biscuit diamonds.

 

**BETTINA**

These are as scorched as my bottom’s going to be if I end up in the Bad Place. (she looks up at the camera) I’ll have to make another batch.

 

We see more shots of the two busily icing and assembling. It’s still impossible to see what Death is working on, and the judges and presenters seem to be avoiding their table for some reason. The camera focuses on Bettina who is carefully and painstakingly assembling her iced diamond biscuits using various kitchen utensils as supports. Mel and Sue look on in wonder.

 

**MEL**

You’re so focused. You’re like a machine.

 

**BETTINA**

Well, there’s no better time to find your zen than when you’ve already died.

 

The camera pulls back to a wider shot of the tent. Time flows strangely. Has it been two hours already? More? We cannot be sure.

 

**SUE**

(shouting) Bakers, you have 15 minutes remaining! (quieter) I mean, probably. (she shrugs and wanders off camera)

 

The music picks up speed and intensity. We see Bettina carefully moving the supports away from her assembled Gherkin, her hands steady despite her anxious expression. The camera tries and fails to focus on the Grim Reaper’s construction before seemingly giving up and returning to Bettina as she frantically brushes green lustre dust on her gingerbread panes. The final countdown begins.

 

 **MEL & SUE** (together)

Five, four, three, two, one!

 

**MEL**

Put a nail in it, because this bake is done!

 

**SUE**

(looking at Mel, shaking her head) I don’t think that one worked.

 

**MEL**

(sighing) No, I don’t think it did.

 

**SUE**

They can’t all be winners. (pets her shoulder)

 

The subdued yet dramatic judging music begins to play as the scene shifts. Mel helps Bettina to carry up her Gherkin, and set it on the table in front of Mary and Paul.

 

**MEL**

Now, nobody breathe.

 

There is nervous laughter from the humans in the room.

 

**MARY**

You’ve got it up! (all laugh)

 

**PAUL**

I’m impressed. I don’t need to get the ruler to know it’s over 30.

 

**MARY**

It’s holding well. You must have got a really solid royal icing. And the shape is spot on.

 

**BETTINA**

Well it’s one I’m quite familiar with. (more laughter)

 

**PAUL**

Unfortunately, you realize we are now going to have to break it.

 

**BETTINA**

(looks away in mock horror) Oh, I can’t watch.

 

**MARY**

Must we?  


**PAUL**

(with restrained glee) Afraid so.

 

Paul reaches over and breaks a piece off the top. The structure weakened, several others fall away. Both Mary and Bettina wince. Paul passes Mary a biscuit piece, and they both begin to eat.

 

**MARY**

That’s a good crisp biscuit. Good flavour, well spiced.

 

**PAUL**

Is that cayenne pepper I’m tasting?

 

**BETTINA**

(nodding) Yes. Just a touch.

 

**PAUL**

It’s interesting.

 

**MARY**

I quite like it.

 

**PAUL**

It does work. All in all you’ve done a great job.

 

**BETTINA**

(visibly relieved) Oh, thank you so much.

 

We watch her proudly carry the remains of her tower back to her station and sit down, still smiling. The camera angle then returns to the front of the tent as the Grim Reaper approaches the judging table. The platter they carry is massive but the weight does not seem to trouble them as they glide down the aisle and set their creation before Paul and Mary. Space distorts around the tray; it’s impossible to grasp the shape of this inconceivable confection. The camera captures bare glimpses; hardly even impressions. An unnatural angle, a join where the structure seems to emerge and recede simultaneously. It seems out of step with even this strange corner of reality. The two judges look at it quizzically, or try to. Paul blinks at the space where it seems it should be, looks away, looks back, squints, and shakes his head. Mary frowns, rubbing her temple. Mel and Sue both look queasy.

 

**PAUL**

Well.

 

**MARY**

It’s…

 

**PAUL**

I can’t even look at it.

 

**MARY**

It’s giving me a headache.

 

**DEATH**

For a mortal to gaze upon the temple is to invite madness.

 

**PAUL**

But mate, _we’re_ mortal.

 

**DEATH**

(pauses) I failed to consider that the effect would translate so strongly in biscuit form.

 

**PAUL**

It’s difficult to judge your structure when we can’t fully perceive it.

 

 **MARY**  
Sometimes simpler is better.

 

**PAUL**

(gamely) Well, shall we taste it?

 

Wincing slightly, Paul reaches into the space where the biscuit construction ought to be, and breaks off a piece of gingerbread. He looks at it dubiously for a moment, then cracks it in half and gives the other piece to Mary.

 

**MARY**

It’s definitely got a good snap to it.

 

**PAUL**

I’m getting a really good flavour. That lemon glaze with the ginger, it’s really something.

 

**MARY**

It wakes up your mouth in a wonderful way.

 

**PAUL**

It’s a ten out of ten on taste. But a shame about the structure.

 

One last time, we join the judges and presenters around the table in the gazebo as they discuss the contest. The remains of Bettina’s Gherkin sit in front of them.

 

**MEL**

So, heading into the showstopper it was a close race. How is it looking now?

 

**MARY**

I’d say it’s still tight. Bettina presented us with this mouthwatering tower, which tasted as good as it looked.

 

**SUE**

I’m having that. Stuffing my pockets (she takes a couple of biscuits and slips them inside her suit jacket; the others laugh)

 

**MARY**

… Death’s biscuit had a really excellent flavour as well, though.

 

**PAUL**

But we couldn’t even comprehend their biscuit structure without risking permanent insanity, so that’s a big negative, unfortunately.

 

**MARY**

Yes, I’m afraid so. But you know, regardless of the decision here, I think we have to admire Bettina’s moxie. Challenging Death is by no means an easy out, and I should know.

 

**MEL**

Yes, she definitely has moxie.

 

**SUE**

She’s moxiferous.

 

**MEL**

So you have made a decision, then?

 

**PAUL**

Yes, I think we’re in agreement.

 

The bakers stand before the judges in the tent, awaiting the final verdict. There is a pregnant pause for dramatic effect while the camera cuts between close ups of the two contestants. Finally, Mel steps up.

 

**MEL**

Well, I can safely say this bake off has been like nothing else we’ve experienced in the tent. I have the happy task of announcing our star baker… And since there are only two of you, I suppose it also means I have the not so happy task of announcing the loser, by default. (clears throat) Our Star Baker today gave us magical mince pies, a Buche-tiful Yule Log… and a gingerbread structure that was so to die for, she won’t have to.

 

Bettina gasps loudly, her hand over her mouth, eyes wide with shock.

 

**MEL**

Yes… Bettina!

 

**SUE**

So it looks like you’ll be returning to the land of the living. And hopefully, so will the rest of us. (laughs nervously)

 

**DEATH**

I always keep my bargains. As the human Bettina has defeated me in a fair challenge, I will ferry all of you back to the mortal realm,

 

**MEL**

(becoming agitated) Wait a minute. Does that mean that if she had lost we’d all stay dead too? What kind of—

 

Her words are cut off and the camera instead shifts to a close up of Bettina alone against the backdrop of the void.

 

**BETTINA**

Well I’ve done it. I can’t believe it. I couldn’t be happier. I’ve got another chance! Of course I’d like to say that I’ll behave myself when I get back to my mortal life but… no promises. (laughs) Terribly sorry to Mary, Mel and Sue for risking your souls but a girl’s got to do what she’s got to do! Oh and Paul's, as well. See you on the other side! (waves cheerily)

 

We cut again to Death, standing once again with scythe in hand.

 

**DEATH**

I do not feel bad about losing to Bettina. I do not experience human emotions.

 

The screen fades to black and credits roll, but they are in a language incomprehensible to human eyes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Bakes to Die For](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19333627) by [aethel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethel/pseuds/aethel), [luvtheheaven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvtheheaven/pseuds/luvtheheaven), [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins), [secretsofluftnarp (luftie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luftie/pseuds/secretsofluftnarp), [Shmaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmaylor/pseuds/Shmaylor), [silverandblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverandblue/pseuds/silverandblue), [wingedwords (gunpowderandlove)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunpowderandlove/pseuds/wingedwords)




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